me and you.

It’s really not about me so much as it is not about you.

Priorities shift. Needs change. What was so important yesterday and last month and last year just might not be so important anymore.

Just because I am changing my focus in my life doesn’t translate to a judgment on someone else’s life.. People getting defensive and deciding that my choices are directly related to theirs is just self centered. I mean really, Maybe I don’t think about you as much as you think I do. Perhaps your priority in my life is way lower than you perceive it to be. And that doesn’t mean I think you are bad or wrong or anything. It doesn’t actually mean anything about you. It means I am morphing and changing and discovering and journeying. I am trying to surround myself with more positive influences. People who see the world more like I do. People who have the same priorities that I do. I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. That might mean a natural fading. A movement to a different place. But it doesn’t have to mean bad feelings.

We cannot be the same people we always were. I am looking forward and moving towards goals. I am creating a good life with and for my family.

It’s really not about me so much as it’s not about you.

old and new.

There is something to be said for old friends.

I have a lot of ‘friends’. Different kind of friends with different personalities. I have work friends and parent friends and facebook ‘friends’. I have watched the word ‘friend’ get twisted and turned and bastardized and expanded and embraced. And I believe that friends come into our lives at the moment they are needed for what they can give us / show us / take from us.

But there is something to be said for old friends.

Friends you knew when you were young…like kid young…elementary school young…even highschool young. They are the people that were there when you were growing and learning and identifying. The friend I played Barbie’s with when I was a child has a place secured in my heart forever. My best friend growing up is and always will be like a sister to me no matter how far we are or how little we speak. The chicks I mingled with in highschool are those that understand changing and searching and trying out things. And we found each other then because our search paths crossed and we found each other again because it was time to come back and share what we learned.

I am lucky to have made some really awesome new friends. They know the ‘me’ I am now….years of angst, curiosity, fun, laughter, drinking, crying, and experimentation are all behind me. I am proud of the ‘me’ that I am and my new friends accept this ‘me’ and embrace ‘me’. I love them for that and know we will grow to be old (literally) friends.

But the old friends…..they journeyed with me. They held my hand and pulled me through. They pushed me back. They watched me go. I feel a whole different level of comfort around old friends. They can be like warmth embracing you.

Create a circle…..old and new….surround yourself with love and support. Don’t allow the guise of friendship to take your energy. Be true to yourself and the friends you attract will fill you up with positive energy. Remember who you are and who you were and the journey you took. Remember who walked beside you but don’t limit yourself. There are many bright lights still to enter your life.

purple toes.

I am 37 years old and I have purple toes. This might not seem very significant but in the grand scheme of things, in the history of the life of Anita Beckett, purple toes says a lot.

There was a time when in order to squash the feelings of utter insecurity, I went out of my way to be weird. You would have thought that it would be the opposite…that I would try to blend into the crowds so as not to draw attention to myself. But it wasn’t. I was outspoken and loud (was?) and proudly proclaimed that ‘I don’t care what people think’. Inside I was a mess.

In my twenties, I floated. I drank and smoked way too much and slept way too little. I spent way too much money but had a really really good time. I proudly proclaimed ‘I don’t care what people think’…..then ordered another round of drinks….:-)

By the time I was 30, I had married, had my first child and moved home. I was so much less concerned about what people thought. Not as a declaration of my individuality but because, it really began to not matter.

I made new friends…ones with like attitudes and as much disdain for drama as I did. No pressure, no obligation….just understanding and so much fun. I started to pick and choose who would be in my life. Toxic persons need not apply. I learned to forgive. I found my peacefulness. I was no longer angry. I proudly proclaimed ‘I CARE about what people think.’ But what I meant was ‘I care about what MY people think’.

Every day I wake up and can look at myself in the mirror and feel no regret and sadness or anger. I have no desire to ‘go back’. I am happy for this minute.

For the first time in my life, I am feeling comfortable in my own skin. I accept and love every roll, line, and sagging body part. I don’t wish to have a 20-year-old body because I am not 20. This skin belongs to me and I embrace it. I have EARNED it. This body has created 2 lives. It is the body of a mother, and a wife and a daughter and sister and a friend. It is amazing.

My purple toes? Maybe a small flickering of the (wanna be) rebellious teenager who tried to fit in by being different. As a 37 year old woman, she isn’t trying anymore…she just IS.

oh baby.

I sat in between 2 other moms last night while waiting for my son to be done gymnastics.

To my left the mom was holding a tiny sweet baby not even old enough to coo. To my right, was a chubby monkey just having discovered that he could hold stuff with his hands and squealing with excited at the prospect.

I had to hold back the tears.

I love kids. That just goes without saying. Anyone who knows me really well knows that about me. My kids are my life. I am not a smother. I do have my own ‘stuff’ but the honest truth is that I LIKE my kids and want to be near them all the time. Even on the days when no one is getting along, it is still better than anywhere else.

We have 2 boys who are 7 and 3. I am 37. We have been throwing around the idea of a third. This is nothing new. We have been throwing that idea around for a long time. Neither of us is prepared to say no but neither of us has said yes either. We have an imaginary list of pros and cons. The cons are pretty straight forward…..getting up for midnight feedings, losing that small sense of adult freedom we are recovering as our boys get older, pregnancy (I suck at it), back to diapers and bottles….being tired…being tired…being tired. The Pro list is way more abstract. It has things like; it just feels like we were MEANT to have 3, the joys (all of them), baby smell, cause I want to….:-)

I second guess my intense emotional desire to have another child. I think…maybe it’s just natural for women to get anxious when considering taking the step to end the ability to have kids…..I think for me, there would be a period of mourning. I actually feel a panic attack arise in me when I even consider not being able to conceive a child. I know other women who are good with being done. They have no desire to bear any more children. And it doesn’t mean they don’t love babies…they just love OTHER people’s babies. I know people who rushed to get it all tied in knots the SECOND the felt they were done having children. And who now regret it or say ‘I would have liked to have had more’…….

Is there a way to really know when you are done? I love my boys. I love watching them evolve and grow. Simon is pushing independence. I know he can handle it. I am beginning to be able to handle it….:-) Oliver is on the cusp…..just started taking lessons…..WITHOUT mommy and daddy….but under our watchful eye. He starts school in September. CRAZY…..

Share your story…your thoughts…..tell me what you think….

remember.

I was reading some comments on a photograph the other day. It was an old picture filled with friends, vices and personalities…..I wasn’t in the picture but know ‘the era’ well as we all went through it. The comments were the discussion about whether anyone would want to go back to then and there. As we look back at those memories….each of us have our own…do we temper the memory with perceptions and experiences of our adult minds? Do we filter out the possibly tremulous surrounding and emotions and focus so directly on that millisecond that we forget the downs as well as the ups?

I have a terrible memory regarding ‘my past’….some purposely and some (seemingly) unintentionally. I don’t consider high school ‘my best years’ or the highlight of my existence… (Thank goodness because that’s a long downhill ride from 18 if it the highlight of my life). I still have lots of awesome memories and some really crappy ones. But I know that I would never want to go back. I wouldn’t want to go back to the crappy times because, well, they were crappy. And I know that the adult me going back to fix the younger Anita’s crappy times would just frustrate me and make me realize that times are crappy because they are meant to be. By the same token, I wouldn’t want to go back to the awesome times because I wouldn’t want to screw them up. There are moments you replay in your mind for decades to come. I mean, who wouldn’t want to go back and say that one perfect comeback line to the mean girl in high school or kiss your crush before you lost your nerve or change the wrong decision to a right one….The funny part is that as big as those things seemed, they won’t change the course of your life…..

Memories are an interesting thing to me. There is no such thing as an unbiased memory. Something always affects what someone sees, hears, and thinks about a situation. But I still use them as a soft place to fall some days. I do go back…all the time in my brain and in my heart. And that’s the best way to travel….:-)

37.

I celebrated my 37th birthday on the weekend. I am not one of those people who lie about their age or refuse to disclose. Sometimes it freaks me out as each year goes by but only because a year can feel like a lifetime when you are in it but a second once it has passed.

I had sooo much fun in my twenties. Like downright crazy alcoholic fun….When properly anesticized, one can float through an entire decade. I love my thirties. For me, it represents the sum of every experience and choice I made in my twenties. I got it ALL out of my system and when the time was right for me to be ready to move forward with my guy, I was ready….no regrets, no ‘wish I had’s’, no shoulda/coulda/woulda…..

I feel more control then I have ever had. I rely on myself and my husband and kids and they on me. My husband is my best friend and my kids hold that special place that only our children can. As much as I would like people to like me, I worry less about what people think. I recovery more quickly when I hear someone shooting off their mouth about me because I no longer allow toxicity in. Those that love me, know me. Those that don’t, never will.

I have embraced my body for what it is. Although I have never been on a ‘diet’, I am less apt to worry about the shelf I call my belly, and the boobs that require intricate scaffolding or the fact that my bum is bound and determined to introduce itself to my feet. Meh….I have carried 2 children. My husband loves me…every inch of me. And quite honestly, I love me too. I think I look ok for a 37 year old. I refuse to succumb to the impossible dream of trying to look 20 year old pop tart when I AM NOT 20. I do my best..I take vitamins and eat well…I work out when I can and mostly try to stay healthy emotionally so as to minimize the physical stress manifestation on myself.

I look ahead to what life has to offer me and I am comforted by the lack of routine in our routine life. J We are always having fun…trying new things. We have a small awesome group of like minded friends who make me laugh and support us and who are nothing more than who they are. And that is PERFECT to me. My family is in the groove. We are stronger than we have ever been. We have so much fun together and have weathered many storms. Sometimes appreciating and embracing the differences can bring you closer than agreeing on the common ground.

kids.

New Year’s always give me pause for thought….as I am sure happens with everyone. The temptation of this ‘clean slate’ every January 1st is far too much for most people to bear and even if we aren’t making ‘resolutions’, we are generally reflecting and trying to find ways to live a better life. It’s a strange quandary as one day every year cannot change a lifetime of things and our journey should be a lifetime one….but I digress….

I have been thinking a lot about parenting. Being a parent…making parental decisions, life after parenthood. And not just my own life as a parent but society’s parenting and the morphing of parental consciousness.Let me say, there is not one single perfect parent out there. We ALL make mistakes. It does not mean your child will become an axe murderer or end up in years of therapy, it means that we are all human. But as parents, each and every one of us has ideals on how we want to raise our own children. None are right, wrong, good or bad…just different. Ok some are wrong but most functional parents don’t make harmful choices…..I think that our access to resources through programs, books, doctors and the internet provides us with amazing guidelines for how to deal with our kids. I also think that our access to resources through programs, books, doctors and the internet can create a fervor of misinformation shouted by wanna be experts. As parents, we need to trust our instincts. How many parents have averted dangerous situations just because it didn’t feel ‘right’. There is a time and place for accessing outside help but what works for your child might be totally wrong for mine. We have to remember that our children are individuals….little humans with their own personalities and needs. We have to tailor how we parent to them…not expect them to adjust to the newest parenting fad. I rely on my parent friends to talk parenting things out and throw around ideas. I also rely on other parents to show me what I will NEVER do as a parent. I will never stop questioning certain things….

• Reasoning with a 2 year old. Maybe my 2 years old weren’t as intellectual as your 2 year old but when my 2 year olds are screaming bloody murder in the mall, I am not going to sit them down and say….’Now honey, it is wrong that you are yelling in the mall and here is a dissertation of all the reasons why.’
• Not ensuring your child is in bed at a reasonable hour then complaining about their poor behaviour.
• Allowing your child to scream or talk back to you because you don’t want to ‘squash their independence’.
• Scheduling children with so many activities that they have no time to just be kids….
• Sticking them in front of some form of ‘screen’ or another every waking moment from birth to 17 then wonder why they have no attention span

Again..everyone does things differently…these are just not my ways. I think that we chose to have our children. We asked them to come be with us, not the other way around. We spend most of every spare minute with our kids. We gave up a lot of adult social stuff to satisfy their need (and right) for parents. We also gained more from our kids than I could ever have imagined. They have taught me so much and continue to teach me things about themselves and about us. Are there days when we want to run screaming from the house and just have 10 minutes of quiet? Yup….Days when we want to have a nice dinner, maybe listen to live music then get home late and sleep late(r than 6am)….Absolutely!! There will come a day when the halls and rooms in my house will be quiet. When the ‘toy room’ will be a guest bedroom and when I will have all the time in world to pursue my interests and sleep late and come and go as I please….and for every minute of that time, my heart will ache for the sounds of hot wheels cars drag racing on my kitchen floor and the amazing sound of my boys laughing.

Kids need to be kids. We are open with out kids but we don’t expose them to inappropriate information. I believe in being honest with my kids but we are adults and they are children. And truly, there are some things that kids just don’t need to know. They will find it out when it is time. Ten year olds are acting like 16 year old. I cringe when I hear the sexual innuendos coming out of their mouths. I am a potty mouth but I am also AN ADULT. Where are their parents? I have heard parents say that their tweens and teens need their ‘privacy’….to hell with that. They are still kids. It is our job and right to monitor what they are doing . They are not emotionally able to make mature choices. Just because they are dressing like they are 16, doesn’t mean that they are!! We need to take back the control. Why do 12 year olds needs cellphones? Who are your children’s friends? Do you have the passwords to your kid’s facebook account or MSN account? Why not? The internet has allowed the creepiest of all creeps access to your home. He is looking for weak spots. How would you, as a parent feel, if YOU were the weak spot and something terrible happened to your child? Think it doesn’t happen in your back yard….Open your eyes.

Take a moment to stop and think…whether your child is 2 or 12 or 17….What kind of adult do I want my child to be and what tools am I giving them to become that adult? We have been given a gift and a huge responsibility when we became parents. It can be the toughest, most incredibly frustrating experience but it can also be the most amazing, life altering one as well. Take back control. Raise your kids. Give them time and love and honest interest.

What else could possibly be more important?